Taking a comical look at the perils of finding good PR
Dr Peevish, the CEO and founder of the world’s greatest app: Hey there, great to meet – thanks so much for talking the time to…..
Cortana Grichqwik-Sponger, founder of Grickkwik- Sponger PR; Yeah, sit down.
DR P: Oh, ok, sorry, sure. This is a really nice place…
Grichqwik-Sponger: I know, I chose it…
DR P: Sorry, yes of course…so anyway I was at your talk the other day – “Why nobody knows how to get media coverage except for me because I am friends with important sarcastic journalists and you aren’t – you under confident, useless wimp of a startup founder”, and it got me thinking that I could really use someone with your expertise…
Grichqwik-Sponger: Ahem!! (Begins to cough and splutter with increasing vehemence until starting to turn purple.)
DR P: Oh, so sorry! Waiter, can I have a macchia…I can’t, well never mind, I’ll have a tap water with some spit in it if I may…thank you…and for my colleague?
DR P: Err, sorry, I didn’t quite catch that, so sorry…
DR P: Erm, nope, sorry did not quite catch that
Grichqwik-Sponger: TWO FUCKING ESPRESSO MARTINI’S ON THE ROCKS WITH A STRAW IN – FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!
DR P: Of course, of course, so sorry
Grichqwik-Sponger: (mutters) waddawankah
DR P: Sorr…
Grichqwik-Sponger: How much money do you make?
DR P: Erm, well I, well, I sold my mother’s coffee table the other day that used to be my desk, but you see, I’m building this super crazy algorithm and…
Grichqwik-Sponger: How.Much.Money. Do .u. Make (slurps on espresso martini)
DR P: Well gosh, I, well I was speaking with Dr Stephen Hawking last week and…
DR P: Stephen Hawking, and
Grichqwik-Sponger: I was out with him last night – he loves me. Worships the ground I walk on…
DR P: Out with you last night? Well that’s great, I
Grichqwik-Sponger: Drinks like a fish – lovely guy tho – you knew he was gay right?
DR P: I didn’t, erm, I guess, err…
Grichqwik-Sponger: (roars at waiter) I SAID ON THE FUCKING ROCKS YOU FUCKING MUPPET!!
DR P: Gaaah, yeah, well, so Stephen and I were discussing an investor who wants to take a £30 million stake at a valuation of just under 1 billion, err, so we’re almost a unicorn, erm…
Grichqwik-Sponger: Bet that gave Stevie the horn…dirty sod – get rid of him, tell him I’ll be doing your social media from now on…
DR P: Yes, of course, well, he’s not, err, he’s not actually doing the whole social
Grichqwik-Sponger: Tell him if he sends one more fucking tweet from your account I’ll stick my fist so far down his throat he’ll be using my knuckles as a rocking chair….
DR P: Will do, will do,
Grichqwik-Sponger: So, (wan smile) tell me all about your little business then….
DR P: Yes, so it’s an app that turns base metals into pure gold, we’ve had some encouragement from investors and, well we’re currently bootstrapping, and
DR P: So sorry, erm, I didn’t catch that.
Grichqwik-Sponger: Ahem, Dsitrnlftrght?
DR P: So that’s Dssinsfrgshhst?
Grichqwik-Sponger: DOES IT FUCKING SWIPE LEFT AND FUCKING RIGHT?
DR P: Oh, erm, the app you mean- well, erm, no, it, it turns everything you point your smartphone at into gold, but….
DR P: Ok?
Grichqwik-Sponger: 2K!! I want 2K!
DR P: Ah yes, of course, well and, erm, ahem, so what would I be getting for my 2K – I mean, y’know, reach, and, erm, enagement and all that…?
Grichqwik-Sponger: I’m already married thanks – I have two children – Hoxton and Tweeter.
DR P: Yes, of course, of course….
DR P: Another drink, ah, I think we understand each other now.
Grichqwik-Sponger: Wanna meet Bieber?
DR P: Beer? You want beer this time.
Grichqwik-Sponger: Just sign here, poindexter.
DR P: Done. I love the Hoxton Hotel – I always wondered what it would be like doing business here – so when do we start to see results?
Grichqwik-Sponger: And 20% – I want 20% sweat equity.
DR P: Well, I’d need to talk to the investors, but I think we can come to some….
Grichqwik-Sponger: Sign here!
DR P: Do you have a pen?
Grichqwik-Sponger: A pen…pen? You want me to kick my mother out into the street.
DR P: Goodness me no, of course not.
Grichqwik-Sponger: Good – you know Dr Peevish.
DR P: Dr Peevish – well yes, of course, that’s me.
Grichqwik-Sponger: Talk to him – he’s got a killer app – he should be here any minute.
DR P: I think I have his number on my phone.
Grichqwik-Sponger: I’ll get you in Forbes.
DR P: Waiter – how does one get one’s drink spiked in here? You already – well, that’s great. Cheque, or cash?