PR & Startup Founders – A Match Made In…Hell?

Taking a comical look at the perils of finding good PR

Dr Peevish, the CEO and founder of the world’s greatest app: Hey there, great to meet – thanks so much for talking the time to…..

Cortana Grichqwik-Sponger, founder of Grickkwik- Sponger PR; Yeah, sit down.

DR P: Oh, ok, sorry, sure. This is a really nice place…

Grichqwik-Sponger: I know, I chose it…

DR P: Sorry, yes of course…so anyway I was at your talk the other day – “Why nobody knows how to get media coverage except for me because I am friends with important sarcastic journalists and you aren’t – you under confident, useless wimp of a startup founder”, and it got me thinking that I could really use someone with your expertise…

Grichqwik-Sponger: Ahem!! (Begins to cough and splutter with increasing vehemence until starting to turn purple.)

DR P: Oh, so sorry! Waiter, can I have a macchia…I can’t, well never mind, I’ll have a tap water with some spit in it if I may…thank you…and for my colleague?

Grichqwik-Sponger:  Tooessprssmrtnisonthrckswihtastrswww.

DR P: Err, sorry, I didn’t quite catch that, so sorry…

Grichqwik-Sponger:  Tooessprssmrtnisonthrckswihtastrswww.

DR P:  Erm, nope, sorry did not quite catch that

Grichqwik-Sponger: TWO FUCKING ESPRESSO MARTINI’S ON THE ROCKS WITH A STRAW IN – FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!

DR P: Of course, of course, so sorry

Grichqwik-Sponger: (mutters) waddawankah

DR P:  Sorr…

Grichqwik-Sponger:  How much money do you make?

DR P:  Erm, well I, well, I sold my mother’s coffee table the other day that used to be my desk, but you see, I’m building this super crazy algorithm and…

Grichqwik-Sponger:  How.Much.Money. Do .u. Make (slurps on espresso martini)

DR P:  Well gosh, I, well I was speaking with Dr Stephen Hawking last week and…

 Grichqwik-Sponger: Who?

DR P:  Stephen Hawking, and

Grichqwik-Sponger:  I was out with him last night – he loves me. Worships the ground I walk on…

DR P:  Out with you last night? Well that’s great, I

Grichqwik-Sponger:  Drinks like a fish – lovely guy tho – you knew he was gay right?

DR P:  I didn’t, erm, I guess, err…

Grichqwik-Sponger:  (roars at waiter) I SAID ON THE FUCKING ROCKS YOU FUCKING MUPPET!!

DR P:  Gaaah, yeah, well, so Stephen and I were discussing an investor who wants to take a £30 million stake at a valuation of just under 1 billion, err, so we’re almost a unicorn, erm…

Grichqwik-Sponger:  Bet that gave Stevie the horn…dirty sod – get rid of him, tell him I’ll be doing your social media from now on…

DR P:  Yes, of course, well, he’s not, err, he’s not actually doing the whole social

Grichqwik-Sponger:  Tell him if he sends one more fucking tweet from your account I’ll stick my fist so far down his throat he’ll be using my knuckles as a rocking chair….

DR P:  Will do, will do,

Grichqwik-Sponger: So, (wan smile) tell me all about your little business then….

DR P:  Yes, so it’s an app that turns base metals into pure gold, we’ve had some encouragement from investors and, well we’re currently bootstrapping, and

Grichqwik-Sponger:  Dsitrnlftrght?

DR P: So sorry, erm, I didn’t catch that.

Grichqwik-Sponger:  Ahem, Dsitrnlftrght?

DR P:  So that’s Dssinsfrgshhst?

Grichqwik-Sponger:  DOES IT FUCKING SWIPE LEFT AND FUCKING RIGHT?

DR P:  Oh, erm, the app you mean- well, erm, no, it, it turns everything you point your smartphone at into gold, but….

Grichqwik-Sponger: 2K

DR P:  Ok?

Grichqwik-Sponger:  2K!! I want 2K!

DR P:  Ah yes, of course, well and, erm, ahem, so what would I be getting for my 2K – I mean, y’know, reach, and, erm, enagement and all that…?

Grichqwik-Sponger:  I’m already married thanks – I have two children – Hoxton and Tweeter.

DR P:  Yes, of course, of course….

Grichqwik-Sponger:  Gtmnthrdrnk

DR P:  Another drink, ah, I think we understand each other now.

Grichqwik-Sponger:  Wanna meet Bieber?

DR P: Beer? You want beer this time.

Grichqwik-Sponger:  Just sign here, poindexter.

DR P:  Done. I love the Hoxton Hotel – I always wondered what it would be like doing business here – so when do we start to see results?

Grichqwik-Sponger:  And 20% – I want 20% sweat equity.

DR P:  Well, I’d need to talk to the investors, but I think we can come to some….

Grichqwik-Sponger: Sign here!

DR P:  Do you have a pen?

Grichqwik-Sponger:  A pen…pen? You want me to kick my mother out into the street.

DR P:  Goodness me no, of course not.

Grichqwik-Sponger:  Good – you know Dr Peevish.

DR P:  Dr Peevish – well yes, of course, that’s me.

Grichqwik-Sponger: Talk to him – he’s got a killer app – he should be here any minute.

 DR P: I think I have his number on my phone.

Grichqwik-Sponger:  I’ll get you in Forbes.

DR P:  Waiter – how does one get one’s drink spiked in here? You already – well, that’s great. Cheque, or cash?

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