21 Things You Only Contemplate If You’re A “Hipster”

A boy and a girl
  1. It does matter that the space between the sub-header and the header is 10 pixels too large and you do know how to fix it;
  1. It’s not called “Facebook blue” or “YouTube red”. They have numbers, not names. Duh!
  1. You are often torn between wanting to complete a UI project simply because the CEO suggested you might not be able to, and deliberately sabotaging the entire app because you think he’s an a-hole;
  1. Of course you don’t think your erstwhile employer is an a-hole. You know he is. You’re a Hipster for goodness sake! Your judgment is impeccable.
  1. Yes, Apple has released a brand spanking new Mac that does precious little the previous version doesn’t. Yes, it is much more expensive than the version you have now (in fact they just bumped the price of the “old” model up by £300 pounds).
  1. No, you won’t be dumb enough to go get one using your family’s skiing holiday fund, and no it’s got nothing to do with the fact the guy on the desk opposite has just bought one.
  1. It’s just that cool emoji bar they’re rocking – sheesh, they think of everything at Apple – why don’t I work at Apple – oh yeah, because I work at Google – maybe I should go take five in the ball-pit. Again.
  1. But then again, Microsoft have just released the Surface PC. Is it a Surface? Is it a PC? Is it better than a Mac? Does it run Oculus Rift?
  1. Because if it does…well I’m kind of sick of Google Cardboard. I’m pretty sure the team were laughing at me when I mistook my tie for a sword and started whipping the dev-ops guy. They wouldn’t be laughing so hard if the strapping was made of vulcanised rubber instead of cardboard.
  1. Or would they? Is it the strapping, or the total loss of co-ordination I experience when I put the headset on? Nah, definitely the strapping.
  1. I haven’t taken my trousers off in six months because they are too tight. I actually physically can’t. I just think of them as a new skin now.
  1. Beer makes me feel gassy and I’ve never been keen on pizza – except Hawaiian – but the damn CIO says he’s allergic to pineapple. Pineapple!
  1. I think I’m allergic to the chili sauce they use at the falafel stand. I suspect it may have traces of peanut in it.
  1. My other laptop is an Asus. I know. Shhhssshhh.
  1. I used to play Theme Park on my old 486 and if I’m completely honest with myself those were the greatest days of my life.
  1. I think I left a half-eaten tuna sandwich in the desk where the CEO of Abracadabra Jump now sits – but I don’t think I’m going to tell him.
  1. Sometimes I really hate myself – but never more than I hate other people. Yeah. Literally never.
  1. That whole thing about Cheetos and bong water. Really?
  1. My parents don’t know I live in a houseboat – they think I live in Surrey.
  1. When I was growing up my father once said to me; in life, there will always be someone above you, and always somebody below you. That was the inspiration for Grindr, really.
  1. If God is all powerful can he make a bowl of porridge that is too big for him to eat? Doesn’t matter, when nobody’s looking he can just shove in the desk drawer opposite. Hmm, that’s making me hungry – Falafel or Tuna sandwich? God I love my life!

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